November 9-1999
If you can read this letter without crying...then
You are a lot stronger than I am...This happened in chat
last night...I didn't see it as it was happening as I was on net looking for what
this person asked for...yet I feel just as guilty...We have to start
putting the ones who aggravate us beyond reason on ignore and never jump to conclusions about new people until they have given us cause. I feel soooooo Sad. ...Kes
(I only saw what he said on his quick exit so I asked him why he seemed so angry....when I mailed him/her the information)
The Letter
Dear Kes,
Thank you for e-mailing me with the info you were searching on for me.
You probably didn't want an answer to your question that was this long, but I don't really have anyone to talk to, and since you asked........ here goes..............
I wanted to wait for your reply, but most of the people in the room (not you) seemed to me to be making it clear that I didn't belong to "the group." Instead of "Hi, you're new here, how are you?" I pretty much got "What are you doing here, we don't know you and whatever you want, we don't care." Even after I tried to tell general info about myself, as quick as I could possibly type, it didn't change. I remember "Pie" saying "Welcome," and I remember you saying you were going to look on the Net for me. There were about 12 other people in there that didn't seem too happy that I existed.
I signed off because I was scared to death, not angry, and certainly not at you..... Thank you for asking though.
I am extremely shy...... that's an understatement....... I haven't even been in a chat room for two years because of repeated experiences I had in self-help rooms that unfortunately tend to attract perpetrators. I never dreamed that I would end up being an outsider in Holistic Health.
A person that doesn't have a 32 year, lifetime history of abuse since childhood probably wouldn't have cared about something that may seem so small to many people. But I signed off, shut my computer down and left the room crying and shaking. I was really hurt that, once again, I didn't seem to fit in wherever I go - even in a simple chat room that was supposed to be about Holistic Health.
I'm going to be really angry with MYSELF in the morning that I told you all this personal stuff about me, because it usually just leaves me open to get told I'm too sensitive, I'm this, I'm that. Well, I already know how I am, that's why I didn't go into a chat room for so long. So, I wont be going into one any time in the near future.
If people don't like me before they know me, they definately wont like me AFTER they get to know me. Yeah, I know, self-esteem problem. I've been working on ALL of the problems, but apparently not long enough.
Thanks for listening.
C-
MY REPLY
Hi C....All I can say is that I am sooooo ashamed of those in chat that acted that way....I didn't see it until I looked at the saved text...I was busy answering so many requests as I had just put up the MSM page. I certainly am not going to say anything about how you reacted...I don't blame you. The only excuse I can make is that we have had so many people of late coming in and causing trouble..(they go out and come back in under a different name)....and have a lot of people jumping to conclusions ....I was afraid this would happen....at some point in time. Now it has and I can only apologize for the room. I wonder how many we lose because we are so familiar with each other that we forget to make new people feel good enough to come again? I think perhaps this has happened so we can begin to make some changes...in myself as well. (as I have been guilty of it also) We have about five people who come in regularly with nothing on their minds but to discredit Holistic and now they have us all over-reacting.
I feel very bad that you have had such experiences. I am aggressive and never have known what it is to be shy....it must be very awful. If I go into a new room...and people ignore me...I make jokes....tell them things and keep blabbing away until they get to know me. Then if they don't like me....it is their problem...I feel they have missed knowing the nicest person they ever will have had a chance to meet..That is called "SUPER EGO" I wish I could magically give you some of it...I do hope and pray that you will give Holistic another chance....Most of us are really nice people with a concern to help those with health needs....Hugs....Kes
Tears of guilt and shame can't heal
Once words turned loose have fled
To hurt an innocent with force
Until his heart has bled..
But maybe shame can teach us well
Now giving us insight
So this event is not a loss..
Next time ...We do it right.
by Kesti
UPDATE....11-11-99
I sent all of your good wishes to her....and she feels better ...someone sent me this poem by and unknown Author..
The Gift Of Encouragement"
Do you have within you that special gift; The gift of encouragement?
And did you spread it generously, To those who came and went.
That special gift goes far beyond, Telling friends what they should do.
That they should get beyond their ills, And simply plough on through.
You have to know just how they feel. I guess that's empathy.
'Cause their problems go much deeper, Than the human eye can see.
You have to see them with your heart, To know their fear and pain.
Your heart must feel their every part, If you would help them gain.
O it's easy to say this or that, And then go on your way.
But it's O so much more difficult, To feel their pain and stay.
They don't need you to excuse them, Nor to tell them they have failed.
What they need is fellow feeling, Like the Christ gave when impaled.
Can you reach deep down inside you, Feel their fear and pain unbent?
Then you have that very special gift. The gift of encouragement.
Author unknown
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UPDATED On March 25, 2007
Attention!
I have had over ONE MILLION visitors to this, My AOL Site in the last nine years.
The counter kept reverting back to zero, but I kept my own records each week.
I have now attached my two sites together under one counter starting at 2000.
This is March 15, 2007.
I hope I will not have any more trouble with counters. Sincerely, Kesti
